It’s not too personal. I’m just never really sure where to begin. I think I had problems as a kid, definitely. (Some genetic, some home life.) I have little memories of being drawn to commit suicide at very young ages — in 4th grade standing at the top of the stairs at school and thinking I wanted to throw myself down them, etc etc. Vague suicidal ideation which people always sort of brushed off because I was so young and what 10 year old kills themselves? (Many, it turns out.)
I only really “lost it” a couple years ago. In the wake of that, I got really good at taking care of myself: eating breakfast and doing yoga and going to therapy. I’ve relapsed a few times and I end up in my bed for a few days or weeks. I’m on meds, but that’s been it’s own journey. Right now it’s Zoloft and Wellbutrin and it’s been pretty okay. I think they’re not working as well as they first did, which is disappointing. I’m the type of person who’s like, let’s fix it, let’s cure it, and let’s move on. But mental illness doesn’t work that way!
It’s also not only one thing. I kept trying to put myself into a category like, “Okay. I have depression. This is how you make depression better.” But then I also have anxiety, and various other mental health related stuff. I guess my advice would be you’re never going to be perfect, and with or without mental illness, no one is. You’re never going to “get back” to where you were or what you were like “before,” which is so often what I’m fixated on. I think I can work my way to neutral and be “normal” again, instead of accepting that this is normal right now, and that’s okay and I can live a pretty good life.
Thanks for answering my ask, Gaby.
The thing that sticks out most to me is “You’re never going to “get back” to where you were or what you were like “before,”” —I fall into that a lot. I haven’t been dealing with this kind of stuff for very long, and so I’m always trying to find that one thing that I can change to make everything go back to “normal.”
So, things to think about.
I love the way Rainbow Rowell favorites/reblogs/comments on the things her fans make/say about her books. It’s so humble of her, it’s like she never stops looking around and saying “Holy crap, this is amazing.”